Oh Goodness !

Life....Someday i will explode because of the variabilities of my life. nothing is constant...even not my own mood!!!!

u enjoy.

Alright.

I admit it now. If you want to live your life, depend on your own self. No depending on anyone. Not parents, not siblings...no one...Not even your partner in life. No one at all. When my child grows up... I am making him as independent as ever. I will give him his own house when he wants to marry someone and will not at all interfere with his life. Thats it. I'll do with him whatever was not done with me.

Why are people around me so different then what I want them to be. Why me...Always the same question pops up in my mind.

When will I have that life which I want. You can do everything with me, curse my child, say bad things to him, scold him whenever you want...and I cant even say a word because you are elder. If you are elder then me then act like an elder. Dont test my patience. He is my son and I am supposed to keep him away from every such person who even looks at him harshly. But all I can do is ignore whatever you do. If am dependent upon you right now...Dont forget that one day I will be independent. And after that happens I will not even look back at you. Then I not be able to forget it all.
How much I wish that I can have what I want quickly because everyone around me is driving me crazy at the moment. Targetting me, talking about my life all the time..scolding my son..what are you trying to do...dont jeaporize me. Wait for sometime...I will go...one day...someday.

I wish my wishes may come true...and it better be soon.
You be happy.


P.S. Thanks for your comments, i dont write often because i dont have regular access to the computer, when i do, i write. tc.

I want ...

Why does it happen that sometimes you want it to happen quickly and when it is done you want time to come back and make it happen all over again. I am not at all saying I want my past to come back again, I just want to have control on time. I want some things to happen slowly and others to just happen as quickly as possible.

I want to be free to express my feelings. I want to feel excellent about my life. I want things to be near to perfection. I want this, I want that.
Why do I have to run behind things to make them happen. If I want things my way, why is it so difficult to do it. Why oh why oh why.

I want to go on a long vacation and check my boundaries. I want to live life. I want to love life.

I want you to pray for me.
Take care.

I am NOT mad.

You think I am mad and am over reacting on simple situations around me. You think I am being extra sensitive to normal things around me. No I am not. I am dealing with people who are capable of drawing a very sane person so insane that he /she might consider killing them, not herself/himself, happily.

Imagine this situation. I live with you being your son's wife. I fall really sick and because I am not being taken care of very nicely (not at all), my husband decides to leave me at my parents place for some days or until I am cured and he does that. One whole month passes by and I don't hear from you. You don't even give me a 'get well soon call'. I have my son, your grandson, with me..you don't care how he is. Then one day my mom is sick and is in hospital and you show up with lots of stuff and soup and stay there for long hours and are so caring and concerned for her. The next day you show up again and stay there for 8 hours... so much pain in your heart you call for soups and stuff again..

WHAT IS Happening!!!! I am your daughter in law!!! You don't give a damn how I have been doing, how i am feeling, what is wrong with me... and you show up for my mother. What are you trying to prove here. You love me. You care for my family. You are so gentle at heart that you can spend your whole day at hospital for my family. No . Not this time. You are not fooling me this time. You fooled me once with your fake charms but not his time. I know you too well to be impressed by you.
And this is just one instance. there too many like these and even worse. so worse I sometimes think what kind of a person I am to have quietly let them do it.

These people I am dealing with. Why i may not cry. Why I may not wake up in the morning stressed that I have to spend one more day of my life with them. Why do I even try to change them, when I can not bare to even think about them. You blame me for my idiotic ways...step in my shoes for a single day, with the same feeling that I have for them, and then try to change things. I have not given up on my life. I have just put a pause on it for some time. It is not one person who is using me or misusing me or exploiting my entire existence..its a whole family doing this. One girl of minimum exposure ( I've never been to a collage) against a whole family of hypocrites and fake people.

One can just easily tell me its possible to make things better or that I can change things... No I cannot because I don't see any hope.
You see some hope?

All you out there. Love your life. Your problems are nothing.
Think.

Why me ?

When I see someone having something that I've wished for or something which I've wanted all my life.. I just start crying like hell. I don't know why. I remember when I was a kid, in religious gatherings when other girls of my age used to play around and talk and have fun, I always used to cry. My head in my knees I used to look at any pair of sisters and cry. Why? because I used to pray for a sister than. I wanted a sister so bad that I started hating going to places where I was to meet families because everyone around me had so many sisters to play with and to talk to. I still feel sometimes that somewhere deep inside me that wish is present, but then based upon my personal experiences, i don't want any girl to come into this very bad place called earth.

Some people just think that maybe a person is not sensible enough or is not wise enough and what ever that person is doing is foolish and unwanted and stupid. But have they ever stopped for a moment to ask "why are you doing like this"?? they just say "you shouldn't be doing like this".. I have my reasons...and very strong ones indeed.

I've recently come across some people who have what I wanted in my life, more specifically, my married life. happiness, honesty, reality, mental peace and so on. and as time is passing, the more I get to know about them, the more miserable my life is becoming. Just one question pops up in my mind...Why me?

If I get one thing right, the other goes wrong. If I please one person, the other is angry. If I become like one person, the other rejects me. If I live according to this person, that person is not happy.. where do I go??? what do I do??? everything seems to be falling apart. And it hurts the most when I expect a return from any single person. All I get is nothing. Or even if it is returned I know that it was not from the heart, but forcefully.. Why cant I live my life according to me?? When will i be able to wake up one morning not thinking of how to please somebody or this person is angry or that person is not talking to me... i want to wake up thinking what a wonderful life i have and that everything around me is just so perfect or that things cannot be any better in my life. sigh

Still again..Why me??
You live happily.

Life !!!

If you look at me.. u will see an average person of everyday life. If my parents look at me, they find a rather confused and weird person who is happy at times and out of sudden is so sad and depressed asking strange questions about God and religion. If my brother looks at me, he will see a person who is reaping what was sowed by her. If my friends (very few indeed) see me, they will find a person who is so happy and contend and has everything they have dreamed of...!!!

If i see at myself in the mirror I see a girl who is so out of place and time. I see a person full of wishes and hopes. A sort of person who is running after something which is obviously so far and impossible.
And if someone else, like you maybe, look at me and my life from outside without knowing me, u will certainly be astonished and annoyed. What seems to be the problem, no one knows..

I am just not contend. whatever I want seems to go in the opposite direction. Who ever i want seems to run away. What ever i have seems so unimportant, as if it had to be there. What do i do. where do i go... sometimes I think I seriously need help.

I cannot be honest with any single person around me. I always have to pretend. Pretend to be nice and happy, pretend to know what the other person wants, pretend to know what i am doing is right, pretend to love someone, pretend to to live life when i am just passing my time.
Why am I like this??? I don't know. I just know this one thing that sooner than later I am completely going to give up on life. I still have this teeny little hope that I will get things my way someday...but as time is passing by, that day is going further...

What is worst then not being able to be honest with the person with whom I have to spend my whole life with. I just don't know what will happen of me. At this point all I know is that I am living a lie and that when it will strike me back... I wont be able to fight back. I simply wont be morally strong enough.
But this is not out of my choice that I am not being honest.. If I be honest then I am not like the person my partner wanted. If I be dishonest then I am the perfect life partner that one can have. Now what is better? to be honest and hurt someone constantly or to be dishonest and make someone happy believing that one day, some day, I will get what i want.
You be the judge and decide.
Live honestly.
Tc.

Yeah Right...!!!

Some days never seem to end and some people never seem to understand.
Today my day was as if someone out there is actually sitting and is focused on my activities and is creating more and more problems..
i felt like running away from everything today...every single responsibility, every single feeling and every single thought.
It was so tiring since the morning...uuuuuggghhh... I hate those days when u want something to work and it doesn't. u want to do it this way and it goes the other way round..and it is exactly in those days that I feel as depressed as any deep sea bed... nothing seems to work and nothing seems to work at all in the future. I not only feel helpless at such times, I also feel like to make a radical change and to alter every single thing that is bothering me... this I cannot do and the result of it all, altogether, is much more depression and emptiness.. uuuuuuuuffff
I mean.. when i want, leave me alone. when i want, take me out. when i want, talk to me. when i want, listen to me. when i want, give me. when i want, take from me...just try and understand me..for once please..this once!!!
I know it sounds selfish..but then I am like that. even I cant help it. I was being unselfish until before Jan 2007...but now its enough with this selflessness crap...I want it...give it or go away....I don't care..just fulfill my demands. that's it!!!
what i think I really need is a major change..in EVERYTHING.....
OMG.
i cant go on any more...because... i don't want to!
GO.