If you look at me.. u will see an average person of everyday life. If my parents look at me, they find a rather confused and weird person who is happy at times and out of sudden is so sad and depressed asking strange questions about God and religion. If my brother looks at me, he will see a person who is reaping what was sowed by her. If my friends (very few indeed) see me, they will find a person who is so happy and contend and has everything they have dreamed of...!!!
If i see at myself in the mirror I see a girl who is so out of place and time. I see a person full of wishes and hopes. A sort of person who is running after something which is obviously so far and impossible.
And if someone else, like you maybe, look at me and my life from outside without knowing me, u will certainly be astonished and annoyed. What seems to be the problem, no one knows..
I am just not contend. whatever I want seems to go in the opposite direction. Who ever i want seems to run away. What ever i have seems so unimportant, as if it had to be there. What do i do. where do i go... sometimes I think I seriously need help.
I cannot be honest with any single person around me. I always have to pretend. Pretend to be nice and happy, pretend to know what the other person wants, pretend to know what i am doing is right, pretend to love someone, pretend to to live life when i am just passing my time.
Why am I like this??? I don't know. I just know this one thing that sooner than later I am completely going to give up on life. I still have this teeny little hope that I will get things my way someday...but as time is passing by, that day is going further...
What is worst then not being able to be honest with the person with whom I have to spend my whole life with. I just don't know what will happen of me. At this point all I know is that I am living a lie and that when it will strike me back... I wont be able to fight back. I simply wont be morally strong enough.
But this is not out of my choice that I am not being honest.. If I be honest then I am not like the person my partner wanted. If I be dishonest then I am the perfect life partner that one can have. Now what is better? to be honest and hurt someone constantly or to be dishonest and make someone happy believing that one day, some day, I will get what i want.
You be the judge and decide.
Live honestly.
Tc.
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You are suffering the effects of never having had integrity. Integrity means being united within yourself, not split into many faces as you seem to be. I struggled with this myself.
ReplyDeleteThe key is do realise that it is important to you that you gain integrity, and choose one small way to start the process of getting there. Forget what other people think, be the person you want to be, and slowly let go of the lies and the pretence.
The prize will be that one day you will not worry about the different parts of your life colliding - if your parents heard what you said to your friends, or your partner mentioned something to your colleagues.
If you don't, this will all get worse. I used to hate my life, but now I love it. Because I am enjoying being myself, not forever chasing other people's expectations.
Life your own life, and never apologise for it.